


faded in january

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Chronic Pain, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Na Jaemin-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29692938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Jaemin is just so fucking tired. Smiling is exhausting. Talking is exhausting.Jaemin's Diary. Part 1.
Relationships: Na Jaemin/Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23
Collections: Anonymous





	faded in january

_January, 26_

The pain is ever-present. Sometimes a little louder, sometimes a little more quiet, but it's always there. A constant in his life. Reassuring, isn't it?  
By now, he has gotten so used to living in constant pain that it is his new normal. He doesn't know it any other way. Has forgotten how living his life has been before. Had to find ways to cope with it. He has long perfected his fake smile, the others even seem to buy it. Actually, it should make him angry that he can fool them so easily, but in reality he is somewhat relieved. 

By now, Jaemin does no longer believe that you can actually breathe so carefree that every breath feels like a mild spring breeze. For him, it's more like he has to fight his gag reflex with every breath. Maybe that's why he has lost his appetite? Because it gets worse every time he has food in his stomach?  
It is tiring. Having to wake up every single day feeling like you've just been hit by a truck. When your stomach turns and aches just by thinking about food, and you have to fight the strong urge to flee whenever you smell it in reality. Fortunately, the pain is often so agonizing that it blocks his senses. No smell. No taste. No warmth. Only cold and numbness.

After three weeks now, the other members have noticed that he is not well on some days. In truth, almost every day, but he has good and bad days. Jeno has been looking at him so strangely lately, that his presence makes Jaemin uncomfortable at times and Renjun seems to be watching his every move with eagle eyes. Always with folded arms and furrowed brows. When Jaemin catches him doing that, Renjun smiles and pretends nothing is wrong. He says he only appreciated Jaemin's pretty face. But Jaemin can literally _hear_ his worries, that's how loud Renjun thinks in those moments.  
_I'm fine_ , he always assures them. My back is just giving me some trouble again. However, he has stopped mentioning his back lately. It's still a touchy subject. For him and for the others. They are afraid that he will get worse again. That he will have to take a longer break again. That his pain will separate them. So he swallows his pain. All of it. All he has to do is mention his back and the others mother him for days. He doesn't want to distract them. He feels bad when that happens. Guilty. 

At first, he doesn't seem to be aware that his chronic pain is slowly but surely changing him. He is no longer Jaemin. He is quieter, retreats more frequently into his room with excuses that are getting more and more half-hearted. He is just so fucking tired. Smiling is exhausting. Talking is exhausting. Not to mention dance practice and schedules. He always feels like he's traded his bones for pudding after these. The pain sucks all the strength out of his body, like a vampire that visits him in secret every night.

The others do not intervene at first. Yes, they are noticing that he is getting tired more quickly than usual. But maybe because he's drinking less coffee these days? When you see each other every day, you don't catch on to things like that right away. Only when it is pointed out by an outsider. Only if it’s already too late.

Jisung seems to have sensed that something is wrong. The younger one often approaches him, secretly crawls into his bed at night (Jaemin thought that he has gotten out of this habit by now, because Jisung is a really really big baby boy, but he doesn't mind at all), seeks his company more often than usual, massaging Jaemin’s back out of nowhere. He disguises it as affection, but Jaemin can easily guess the whole truth behind it. Still, Jisung says nothing and Jaemin is grateful for that. But he feels bad that Jisung has to worry. Jaemin is okay. He is just exhausted. Just exhausted...

One more thing has caught Jaemin's eye. Jeno suddenly wants to learn how to cook. Usually, it’s always Jaemin who surprises his friends with home-cooked meals. At first he is confused, but then grateful, because standing for so long causes him extra pain.  
Jeno refuses to tell him why he's doing this. His answers are not very informative and he just rubs Jaemin's back while smiling.  
All this helps a bit. But a bit is not enough. Because it really does get worse. Slowly but surely.  
He should have seen it coming, but he didn't acknowledge it. Is it his fault? Yes. He should have talked to his friends sooner. Jaemin knows that, but false pride is an ungly thing. He's already in too deep. He doesn't have a choice anymore.

So he has to keep fighting.


End file.
